Month 28

Hi everyone, I reached month 28 a week ago so figured I'd best do a catch up post. It seems my posts are becoming more and more scarce as time goes on. That's because I haven't really had any major turning points to speak of. I'm still trundling on, however my social life is coming back and I'm practically on full time hours at work. I've started attending the gym, to address the weight gain, and apart from a few blips I'm quite content presently.

I went to see the dermatologist the other day which I thought was going to lead into the monotonous fight that usually occurs but I was told as long as I was aware of the effects, and was regularly monitored, I could stay on Ciclosporin for the present. That is fine with me, as it seems to be actually working right now. They did mention a drug break though which I will have to eventually do anyway but for now it's all good.

Recently I've been watching more and more documentaries and videos on veganism and am really hoping to make the switch soon. My partner is on side with me as he would like to be healthier overall too. I got a juicer for my birthday, which I'm yet to use but I'm hoping it will yield good results for me. If anyone knows any good recipes, that don't contain celery or cucumber do leave a comment!

Here are some photos from Friday.

Thought I'd take a couple of close-ups to show how wrinkled my skin has become around my nose/cheek area. Thanks steroids (& over-scratching!).

Neck/chest looking good

Also thought I'd include this one of me giving this woofer a good old stroke. Not often my skin behaves with furry ones!

The rest of my body is remarkably clear. Although I now seem to be having some other health issues with my stomach and randomly vomiting so my skin is a bit worse for wear this morning. Oh well.

Hope everyone else is doing good!

Everything For Eczema Bamboo Pyjama Giveaway

Some time last year the lovely Gail from Everything for Eczema got in touch with me to ask what I'd like to see in adult pyjamas, specifically designed for eczema and allergies with a speciality in topical steroid withdrawal. I suggested having leggings with feet and also some form of gloves/mittens attached to the sleeves so that if would be difficult and nigh on impossible to scratch yourself with them on.

She got back to me a few months later with a design that seems to be exactly what we need! They are made from bamboo, organic cotton and 4% lycra to make them easier to put on over sore skin. The bamboo also  has excellent properties. It makes the fabric super soft, breathable so it helps to keep the body temperature regulated, is more absorbent than cotton for excessive sweating, and also contains antibacterial properties. The pyjamas have been created in Europe by an organic manufacturer so all of the fabric and dyes used can be traced if necessary. After all, we are all going through bouts of intense sensitivity with our skin so this factor is very important! The labels are also on the outside of the garments so none of that needing to cut them out because they irritate the skin.

Sorry for the rubbish quality photos!

Yours truly modelling the pyjamas

The pyjama top has fold-over style mittens on the sleeves which I think are an absolutely genius idea because there is no way in your sleep-like state you can get these things off to attack yourself, unlike when wearing gloves or mittens where they easily come off and you find you've torn yourself to ribbons. They're not impossible to get off but you really have to think about what you're doing when you do flip them so it's fair to say you're pretty safe when you're asleep.

Sleeve turned inside out to act as mitten

Sleeve the hands-free way to show you how they can be transformed into the mitten

The bottoms have enclosed feet so there is no way at getting in there and tearing your legs and feet to bits so they are well protected. The waist has a draw string fastening as it was thought that elastic could be irritating to those with allergies. It also means you can wear them on your hips or waist and as tightly or as loosely as you need when your skin is sore.

The built in sock

Drawstring waist

These pyjamas have really helped to keep my skin in check when I have gone through my intense stints of itchiness and open sores.

They are a lovely shade of blue in colour and come in sizes ranging from an XS to XL which can be worn by all adults and even older children. There is a size chart that can be referred to on the website to ensure that you get the correct size. They are £59.95 for a pair, however it is a great investment because due the bamboo/cotton combo they are truly made to last and withstand the steroid withdrawal cycles.

Gail has been lovely enough to give away a pair of these amazing pyjamas to one of my lucky readers! A new pair that is, not the one's I'm wearing above!

For your chance to win please just fill in the widget below: it barely takes any time at all although it is recommended that you sign up to blogger so that you can leave a blog post comment and follow my blog!


a Rafflecopter giveaway


Also as an aside and if you are not a winner - I am not endorsed for advertising these beauties but I truly do feel they make a difference to our quality of life when going through TSW so go grab yourself a pair here and enjoy actually feeling comfortable! http://www.everythingforeczema.com/adult-eczema-pyjamas.html. It's also lovely knowing a company actually cares about us and sees TSW as being a valid condition!

11.5 Months Off Topical Steroids

Wow, sorry for my lengthy absence but I think I can be excused seeing as I'm now living in Leeds and only just got my internet back this morning!

The eczema herpeticum was short lived and only lasted for a week at most. The Aciclovir tends to do a decent job of kicking it in the bum and stopping it from progressing further. Since then though my skin has been suffering from a rash which has probably developed into an infection but I haven't signed up to a doctors yet so there's not a lot I can do about it other than try to manage it myself. I do think a lot of what I'm going through now is just from the stress of moving and starting a new job (first day tomorrow!).

I am having up and down days, most notably this weekend where I attended a family wedding and managed to last an entire 11 hours before I just had to succumb to the itch. My poor car is a bit of a mess now. Please hoover it Shane if you're reading xD but it was impressive nonetheless!

I missed informing you of my 11 months of steroid withdrawal which happened 3 weeks ago now but I will be coming up to a year soon and I'm not in the best shape, but I am still managing which is good enough for me.

Shane's phone seems to be rubbish when I want it to depict my redness but when I want to take a nice photo of the two of us I'm suddenly redder than ever!

NSFW so under a cut.

Hope everyone else is well?x

P.S. this is my 100th post!

Still Plodding On

Hey guys, so it's been 2 weeks since my last update and there's just so much to tell you. Firstly, the reason I haven't put up any new photographs of my skin is because there hasn't really been much to show you in the way of change. I'm still dry, still getting red rashes from time to time so the pictures would just be similar to the others and I felt that pointless. I've also had a really hard time taking photos of my face. I just can't do "selfies" any more and if it's not that, then the camera keeps depicting redness that isn't there! Stupid thing. I also still have itch fits from time to time, though these are less and less severe and a very quick shower usually sorts me out.

The second thing I have to say is... *drum roll please*............. we're moving to Leeds! Yes, finally we're moving out of Lincoln and I am so damn proud that we can start to get our lives on track again. We've been stuck here for the last 5 years (6 for Shane) and it's just time to move on. I don't know if this is having an affect on my current red, dry skin because I can't say I'm not stressed. There's so much to do and finances won't be great this month but in a few months time we will be in a much better position. Yay! Also a few of my friends live in or around the area and my mum will be a mere hours journey away <3 I will however miss my Lincoln friends. Now that I'm finally on the mend I can be social but just as this is happening, I'm forging friendships only to leave them behind which sucks!

This past Wednesday I went to see my derm nurse and typically I didn't look my best but oh well! I was a little bit red and blotchy but that's probably the stress of trying to keep my skin nice to show her how well I've been doing. (FYI: I haven't seen her since October 2013!) She said the dermatologist had been given the go ahead to trial a new injection and I was one of the prime candidates. Well ha! I'm moving to Leeds so you can stick your injection (pun intended) I'm not going to be your guinea pig any longer! So that's the end of that. I have an open appointment if I need it, but otherwise I'm basically free.

My legs and back have retreated to their former white glory. The skin is lovely and smooth and doesn't require any moisture at all! Some areas get dry from time to time but I couldn't be happier. My tummy still gets the odd flare but it's nothing to complain about.

You can still see the scarring but when comparing it to how they were they're bloody fantastic! Here's a reminder of how they were.

I can't seem to stop scratching at my arms so they're a bit of a sorry state but I know they'll sort themselves out in their own time.

Similarly I can't seem to leave my neck alone at the moment. Last week it was fine but for some reason this week it's gone back to it's horrible dry self. Ho hum.

The brows are coming back once again but you can see a lot of creases and wrinkles from the dryness of my face.

This side appears to be my better side. Though the brows are still struggling.

And here I am. I'm a little bit red but I'm not too fussed. It doesn't look a bad red like it did initially. For people who didn't know how naturally pale I was they would probably think this was my normal tone... maybe.

Life does get better!

Hope everyone is well :)

Topical Steroid Withdrawal: Allergies

When my eczema first began to worsen and become a full body problem I was sent straight to a dermatologist to determine what had  caused this to happen after years of only having had dry and sensitive skin with the occasional rash. After being given prescription after prescription of stronger topical steroid creams, nothing was helping to ease the issue. As the skin first showed signs of inflammation and eczematous skin on my exposed areas (face, neck, chest and arms) it was decided that my problem was down to environmental issues. Blood was taken from me to determine what allergens were prevailing my ailment and the results came back as severely allergic to cats, dogs and dust mites.

Now, the thing that puzzles me most is that prior to this time I did not react severely when faced with any of these allergens. There were cats present in our household before I was born which have still remained to this day (not the same cats as that would be crazy having a cat that was older than 24!) as we are a family who are very fond of them. In a similar vein dust mites were the highest rated of all the allergens which is humourous given that I spent 3 years of my teens working as a cleaner where high levels of dust was present.

My Mum's beautiful mogs

Sure, prior to my eczematous epidemic I may have been a tiny bit allergic to these things, with the odd runny nose and itchy eyes, but this became disastrous. I suffered all summer long with little respite until I left home to attend University in the September, where my condition eased itself to an extent and life became "manageable" again. (Life with eczema is never manageable as even when your allergens are diagnosed the beast still rages on for no real reason, other than "it just does"... or so the specialists like to tell me.) Getting rid of the cats was not an option, and in fact I wanted my Mother to keep more as I didn't want her to be on her own and cats are my favourite animal afterall. When I returned home for a visit in November/ December time, just a couple of months later, all hell broke loose and I was hospitalised with a severe allergic reaction.

This continued until I was given Ciclosporin the following year, which I have previously detailed in this post. When I was forced to discontinue the drug I was back to square one with my allergies. They were still severe and I had to stop visiting my Mum at home; my home. I had to change my position at work; the warehouse and shop floor were too dusty and I was flaring all over the shop, quite literally!

Recently all this has changed.

When I stopped using the topical steroid creams in May of this year I had no idea what would be in store for me. A question on ITSAN's FAQ page struck me, it had stated that:

"Q: Why am I allergic to things that never bothered me before?


During topical steroid withdrawal, your body is very sensitive. After withdrawal, it will return to normal. Allergy testing during topical steroid withdrawal is inaccurate because your system is hypervigilant and reacts more than it normally would."

If this was true it could mean that in the future after withdrawal my life may not be so constricted. I might be able to actually visit friends and family who own pets, be able to carry out routine house cleaning, and generally return to a more normalised lifestyle. It also confirms that my allergies that were only ever mild prior to the eczema break out became severe because of the use of topical steroid creams.

Miss Kitty's blog post entitled "I am not allergic to cats" gave me further hope. Maybe one day I will even be able to own a cat myself.

See! I never used to be so allergic

Last month I visited my Mum. I figured I would probably have a flare so prepared myself for the worst. My skin didn't flare up and I didn't even take my asthma inhaler once! What was this madness, a crazy fluke?! I'm beginning to wonder what is going on.

This week at work a maintenance man took apart one of the tills that had been freezing through transactions to find that it was chock-a-block with dust. I didn't think to tell him that I had allergies and just backed away a bit as he blew it literally everywhere creating clouds of dust that hung in the air and choked me. Do you know what? I didn't need to take my inhaler that evening though my skin did flare later on but I think it was actually more due to the fact I was so dry after work as I haven't been moisturising.

And just yesterday, the very thing that prompted me to type this post... I went to a friend's flat who has the fluffiest cat in history that malts like nothing I've ever seen before, cat fur EVERYWHERE! They'd forgotten to hoover before my arrival, but it didn't matter and it isn't something I'd expect people to do, why should they? Whilst I was there I think I only took my inhaler twice, sure my nose was running by the end of the day and I started sneezing but the fact is I was there from 8am until 5pm. That's an awfully long time to spend with one of my allergens, especially one so fluffy as this beautiful mog.

The fluffiest of mogs! (Image courtesy of The Retired Bridgeburner)

I will admit that I couldn't stop sneezing all the way home and couldn't sleep last night because my nose was blocked but considering I used to literally have to step into the same room as a cat and end up in hospital with a severe full body allergic reaction, just from having it look at me is saying a bloody lot.

I think withdrawing from the medication that was supposed to treat the eczema is the best thing I could ever have done for myself.

I truly do.

Red Skin Syndrome

So today I'm in a state of turmoil and curiosity has finally gotten the better of me. I keep getting hounded by people telling me I have this "red skin syndrome" which to those not in the know, is essentially what happens when you've used steroids for years; your skin becomes addicted and completely dependent on the medication.

The typical symptoms of this are:

1. Red burning skin, hot to the touch, that spreads over the entire body, despite it originating in smaller places with extreme itchiness that cannot be satiated. 
2. Skin that weeps and oozes.
3. Eczema type rashes that spread over the skins surface.
4. Hives/ Urticaria.
5. Difficulty regulating body temperature with freezing hands and feet and you may often suffer all-over body chills.
6. Extremely dry skin that sheds like crazy and needs to be vacuumed daily.
7. The skin is so sensitive that you can become allergic to basically everything.

Now, I'm quite a stubborn person in that when I know I probably wouldn't be able to make something work I'm reluctant to give it a go, however the symptoms are so similar to what I'm going through I'm just at a bit of a loose end.

The only way to stop an addiction is to go cold turkey, no steroids can be administered whatsoever to give the body a chance to recover and cure itself. Many people who undergo this withdrawal find that depending on how long they've taken steroid medication it can take months and even years and years to finally come into remission. They also find that they will need to take a large chunk of time off work because it is virtually impossible to attend.

I'm already fully aware of just how vicious eczema can be as I've spent massive portions of time off from work, university and college in the last few years because my skin is just uncontrollable, inhibiting me from being able to get dressed and even the ability to concentrate. You can see in my archived posts, specifically the ones entitled "Living With Eczema" just what I have had to go through. I'm not sure if I would want to relive all that on a longer term basis because I really have done so much to pull myself out from that pit of depression. I don't want to endure it again.

My only problem is it's been bad enough to try to rebuild my sick record from having all the time off. My employers know the extent of what I go through but I just wouldn't be able to function without my job. Shane and I struggle enough to pay our bills as it is with barely a penny left over to enjoy ourselves, so without a job we'd be in short, screwed.

So this is why I'm in a state of turmoil. I'm not sure I would be able to give steroid withdrawal my full commitment, and I definitely wouldn't be able to give up my steroid inhaler, but I must say that it does seem likely that it is what I have.

At the moment there are only a couple of doctors who believe in it (based in America I think...) and I have mentioned it to my dermatologist in the past but he's just shaken it off. It is only a recent finding so I'm not too sure on the credibility, though no doubt I'll get loads of you telling me that it does work. Yet, if this were the case, why don't more doctors believe in it?

You can read more about it here.


Images of Kelly Palace, before and after, pinched from the ITSAN website.

Dust & Cat Allergies

So the inevitable has happened - my skin has flared and left me in a bad way. Ugh.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was going to visit my family up north because I haven't seen them for a while and I needed to sort through my old bedroom. Unfortunately hotel prices were ridiculously high for when I had planned to visit so I stayed with my Uncle who lives in a pet free house. My Mum helped to clean and tidy it before my stay to prevent me from reacting to any potential dust.

For her own home, she attempted to make it a cat-free zone for the duration of my stay; locking the cats in the utility room with the freedom to go outside. I felt so cruel for allowing her to do this as they are rescue cats and became really upset and indeed vocal that they were being abandoned. It was heartbreaking. Cats are my favourite animals after all and I hate the idea of allowing them to be upset, but at the end of the day my health is more important.

Benny boy on the window sill - I hadn't realised I'd got such a hilarious photo of him LOL

My Mum hoovered the entire house, paying close attention to textile areas, such as removing the blinds and placing an abundance of carrier bags and whatever plastic she could find over the top of the bed to stop me reacting.

I didn't enter her house until the second day of my visit to withhold from a potential reaction occurring; loaded up on antihistamines. We even took further precautions by purchasing dust masks and cotton gloves to enable me to look through my belongings without touching or breathing in allergens that would cause an asthma attack or flare of the skin. I looked ridiculous and felt ridiculous that I needed to go to such extremes but they did help to an extent. It wasn't until after an hour of being in the room that I bent down to look through a wardrobe that my poor eyes that had been unprotected had a reaction and all of a sudden I had to be out of there. My eyelids were weeping. 

  Me donning mask and gloves
Me when I got home. Annoyingly my phone has made it look less severe than it was but I must stress that my face was clear and pale the day before.
The positives that can be brought to light are that I was still able to look through my things albeit for a short period of time whilst wearing the dust mask and gloves as they minimised my exposure. I should also be thankful that I didn't need to use the EpiPen or need to be rushed to hospital due to the lengths my Mum had gone to make the house more "Jenny Friendly". My asthma did flare whilst I was there but I only needed to take my inhaler a minimal amount of times compared to previous visits where I would take it countless times (naughty, naughty!).
Fortunately I had a text from a colleague last night asking if I could start work 3 hours later today which I am more than thankful for as I am in desperate need of the extra recovery time. A blessing in disguise really!

Hope everyone else's eczema/ allergies are behaving today :)

Topical Steroid Addiction & Allergies to Animals

Hope everyone's eczema isn't too bad? Mine is actually brilliant today. It's still there, and most prominent on my arms with scabs left all over my face, neck and chest but today has been the first day in such a long, long time where I haven't had a shower and I don't feel horrendous for skipping it. It's quite a big step given how my eczema has been manifesting itself recently, to the extent that without a shower I don't feel life is worth living so this is a MASSIVE development as it isn't often at all that I'm able to appreciate this luxury.

Today I had an appointment with my GP who I very seldom see as I usually just go straight to the dermatology department at the hospital as they're more understanding of my needs. I came out with an Epi-pen in the hope that it will be an added reassurance for when I go to see my Mum next week. I have severe allergies to fur bearing animals but have never gone into anaphylactic shock so wasn't sure if I would qualify, but my reactions are so severe that I warrant immediate hospital attention. My entire face swells, with my eyes swelling shut; I become incredibly itchy from head to foot, with a very prominent red rash; my skin begins to weep even if I don't scratch it and I have a severe asthma attack (and this is without even touching the animal!). It's gotten worse and worse every time I've been back there but I need to look through my belongings in my old bedroom to see what can be chucked and what kept. I'm just frightened that one day I will have an anaphylactic fit, so at least I now have a necessary precaution if it was to occur.

I was quite annoyed by the doctor's attitude to the situation. He told me I shouldn't enter a person's house where there will be a fur bearing animal, yet surely there will be a time where I will unknowingly and unwillingly go into someone's home who does have a fur bearing pet. What on earth do I do then? I mean I obviously understand why he said it, as it's my health that needs to be kept in check at the end of the day, but still, I can't completely avoid animals when the majority of people I come into contact with on a daily basis do own fur bearing pets.

It's hard enough as it is at work accepting returned clothing where you can visibly see it is completely covered in animal fur. Obviously I go and wash my hands directly after I have dealt with the customer for fear of touching my face and having a bad reaction, but it's not an unavoidable thing for me to actively do. Even friends and family end up being covered in animal fur and it isn't as though I can wear a bubble suit whilst acquainting them. It's a bloody annoying allergy to have and it makes me despise my body. I love animals a huge amount but my body has decided that it doesn't. So sad.


Do you have severe animal allergies? How do you deal with them?


  My Mum's gruesome twosome!
Cats are my favourite animal ever :( My life is shit.

Don't Let Them Bring You Down

I must say that I have reached a stage in my life where I have managed to come to some kind of terms with the fact that I suffer from severe eczema. I've stopped giving a damn about how I look without make-up if I need to leave the house and I know I will never be able to wear or even do some of the things that I used to. This does not however mean that I have become completely immune to some of the comments and looks that people give when I'm having a bad flare.

Working within retail can be really difficult sometimes. You are faced each day with a plethora of customers, some kind, some not so kind. I get quite a few inquisitive remarks asking if it is eczema that I have, alongside some downright filthy looks when they see my hands and arms as I'm packing away their precious new items of clothing.

When this happens, you just have to think that we as people are ignorant and will judge by appearance. Everyone does it. Hell, even me. It's just within our nature as human beings to see something outside of the norm and to not completely understand it. However, it's what you do with your initial judgement that really counts. Some people will look away, some will be rude and stare and even comment, some will look at you sympathetically and others will ask you why you're different.

I don't mind explaining my condition to others, as you can see from the fact I've made a blog to promote awareness, I am more than happy to talk about it. I'm not embarrassed at the fact that I can't control my body, I just become agitated more than anything as I know that when I do flare I will get comments and questions that I know I will no doubt have to answer. A lot of other people I speak to are embarrassed about their eczema but they shouldn't be. You can't help that you're having a flare, it just happens. Sure, it's annoying as hell having to walk around with a blotchy red face but don't be embarrassed, you are you, you're much more than just the way you look.

Happiness is one of the key ingredients to living a less stressful life, and can even help to regulate your condition, and so it is paramount to not let people belittle you just because you have an illness that is difficult to control. If you are bullied because of your eczema then these people just aren't worth an ounce of your time. These people promote toxicity and need to be severed from your life else they will no doubt allow you to feel terrible about yourself. You don't need that. At the end of the day looks are just looks and don't really matter in the grand scheme of things if you are just able to alter your perception of life; beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all.

Basically, don't let people get you down about the fact that you're living with eczema. You're already going through enough of a battle with your condition to let these added extras bring you down. You are more than your condition. You are you and you can succeed.

I really hope this helps, not just eczema sufferers, but anyone who is facing a hard time with their appearance. :)

Have You Tried This, Have You Tried That

I know people are trying to be helpful but it becomes tiresome to keep reiterating myself to various different people. That was also the idea behind creating this blog so that I could just let people read for themselves about my condition.

My favourite is when random strangers ask you if you've tried [insert name of over the counter medicines] and when you sigh and say yes the smug look they beheld vanishes. Often these same people will be the ones who go "I know what that is, it's eczema" and you're like "yes, well done! Have a pat on the back, matey!" As I say, I know they're just trying to be helpful but it really isn't helpful for me. It's comparable to telling a person missing a limb that they're missing said limb. 10/10 for observation ;)

From this, I thought I'd talk about some of the conditions I do have and how they can sometimes conflict one another.

OK, so as the name of the blog suggests, I suffer from eczema. But not just one type, oh no, that would just be too simple for my body. No. I have a whole host of dermatitis conditions. I suffer from atopic eczema which as it suggests means I in turn suffer from atopy in general. Everything from hay fever to asthma to rhinitis comes under this heading.

I also have urticaria which manifests itself when heat is involved. This means exercise is usually out of the question, as well as being too hot generally whereby that meaning having too many layers of clothing on, or even on a summers day, I will, and do, suffer. It means for me that hot countries are completely out of the question. I went to Spain with my Mother one July and spent the whole time in sheer agony, covered in hives and not being able to get cool. It was a nightmare. Similarly, going to the gym and even walking up steep hill in Lincoln is somewhat of a task for me, whether it's a winter or summer's day because the heat will get me.

Allergies are another one of my pitfalls. I am severely allergic to dust mites. So much in fact that a proper reading couldn't be given because it was so high. This means that I find even household cleaning a chore and was even given a certificate by my dermatologist to say that I'm not allowed to do any household cleaning for 1 year. Jealous much? My asthma worsens and I come out in a rash, which then turns into eczema because I scratch it so much. It has also meant that I have had to reassess my career choice. My plan was to become a textile conservator, where I would clean and prevent long term damage to historical objects... Yes. You can see where this is going...

Cats, dogs and in fact any fur bearing animals are also out of bounds with my allergies. Annoyingly enough, I grew up with cats and looking back I did have a constant runny nose but that was all. Now, if I were to go to my Mum's house I would end up in A&E with an all-over body rash, an asthma attack and swollen eyes. It usually weeps too. Yum.

Patch testing also revealed an allergy to chromate but I don't appear to have had any problems with sitting on leather couches or wearing a leather jacket so I'm a bit skeptical. But it would make sense in terms of being a green dye within textiles, as I suffered A LOT when making a dark green dress for my Foundation Art year. I'm bloody proud of my efforts though!


Modelled by my lovely friend
Seborrheic dermatitis is another one. A lovely flakey one. And more recently I've developed hand eczema also known as dyshidrotic eczema. Apart from the soles of my feet, there is not one place that hasn't been affected by eczema. I also have Neurodermatitis in which I scratch all the time just because it has become a habit.

And as you can see from some of these conflicting conditions, it can make it hard to treat. I have found that steroid creams and slathering white soft paraffin all over is my best concoction to date. It REALLY helps me. Also sleep helps me too oddly enough. Even if it's just napping.


I hope this gives you all some more insight into some of what I go through. I could talk about it all day so I'll be sure to post about my coping mechanisms at a later date :)