OK. So I've touched on this subject loads in the past but a series of events have occurred recently that made me feel the need to write another post.
I feel so incredibly lonely. Going through steroid withdrawal, and even before that when I had 'severe eczema', I just lost my social life. I've slipped further and further inside of a shell and I'm struggling to come out of it. When I do go to events I feel as though I'm letting my friends down because I'm just not having as much fun as I should be. I'm just not living and feel constantly worried about how things will effect me.
Drinking. My friends love to go out for a drink. Which is all fair and well but I have to think about how it would most likely cause my herpeticum to flare as it has in the past, not to mention the dehydration aspect of it makes my skin dry out. I just feel as though I'm boring and it's not because I can't drink I don't particularly want to drink. It's the socialising bit that surrounds it. I just struggle to be myself.
It's reached the point where I even struggle to talk to people online. Online. For Gods' sake. All it requires is typing. But I just feel scared and weird.
It doesn't help that because I'm not talking, no one else is talking to me either. I guess they must think I'm ignoring them or I'm doing fine but I'm not. I'm really, truly not.
I have a feeling this post will just consist of word vomit and I will type as my brain processes these thoughts but I need to get it out.
I just don't know what to do to help myself. I was always incredibly shy as a child, but when I became a teenager I started opening up a bit more, and in my college years I feel as though I was finally getting somewhere. I was so much more outgoing and up for a laugh. I think it's these times that I really miss. Just feeling carefree and happy. I seem to cling onto my past with so much love and nostalgia. But in the present all I feel is regret and loss of the life I once had. It's such a sad state of affairs. I was so independent but since being ill that part of me has disappeared and I lack so much confidence in myself as a person.
I desperately want to change but I feel stuck.
I'll probably end up deleting this post as it's so poorly constructed but I just needed to get it out there. I'm not OK.
I think this is going to be something I keep adding to as I just went away and had more thoughts that I wanted to get down.
I feel like everyone is finally getting their lives together. Everyone is growing up and doing fun and exciting things... but me... I'm just left somewhere in the past hoping life can resume when I'm better. But will I ever be better? I used to have such a zest for living life. I still have so many goals and ambitions but I have no idea where to go from here. Everything revolves around my illness which is something I never wanted to admit but I'm a sensible person, and so of course it does. I feel trapped and as though I have regressed in life. I'm 26 and feel as though I've wasted so much time doing nothing.
I also feel as though no one cares any more. Oh it's just Jenny. She can never do anything so we'll just stop asking her. She's boring now so can't really be arsed. OK now I'm sounding butt hurt. But I did warn you this would be word vomit. I don't even know if that is even true but I can't help but overthink things.
I just don't know.
I've just become incredibly anxious and awkward.