Eczema / TSW Loneliness

OK. So I've touched on this subject loads in the past but a series of events have occurred recently that made me feel the need to write another post.

I feel so incredibly lonely. Going through steroid withdrawal, and even before that when I had 'severe eczema', I just lost my social life. I've slipped further and further inside of a shell and I'm struggling to come out of it. When I do go to events I feel as though I'm letting my friends down because I'm just not having as much fun as I should be. I'm just not living and feel constantly worried about how things will effect me.

Drinking. My friends love to go out for a drink. Which is all fair and well but I have to think about how it would most likely cause my herpeticum to flare as it has in the past, not to mention the dehydration aspect of it makes my skin dry out. I just feel as though I'm boring and it's not because I can't drink I don't particularly want to drink. It's the socialising bit that surrounds it. I just struggle to be myself.

It's reached the point where I even struggle to talk to people online. Online. For Gods' sake. All it requires is typing. But I just feel scared and weird.

It doesn't help that because I'm not talking, no one else is talking to me either. I guess they must think I'm ignoring them or I'm doing fine but I'm not. I'm really, truly not.

I have a feeling this post will just consist of word vomit and I will type as my brain processes these thoughts but I need to get it out.

I just don't know what to do to help myself. I was always incredibly shy as a child, but when I became a teenager I started opening up a bit more, and in my college years I feel as though I was finally getting somewhere. I was so much more outgoing and up for a laugh. I think it's these times that I really miss. Just feeling carefree and happy. I seem to cling onto my past with so much love and nostalgia. But in the present all I feel is regret and loss of the life I once had. It's such a sad state of affairs. I was so independent but since being ill that part of me has disappeared and I lack so much confidence in myself as a person.

I desperately want to change but I feel stuck.

I'll probably end up deleting this post as it's so poorly constructed but I just needed to get it out there. I'm not OK.

Edit:

I think this is going to be something I keep adding to as I just went away and had more thoughts that I wanted to get down.

I feel like everyone is finally getting their lives together. Everyone is growing up and doing fun and exciting things... but me... I'm just left somewhere in the past hoping life can resume when I'm better. But will I ever be better? I used to have such a zest for living life. I still have so many goals and ambitions but I have no idea where to go from here. Everything revolves around my illness which is something I never wanted to admit but I'm a sensible person, and so of course it does. I feel trapped and as though I have regressed in life. I'm 26 and feel as though I've wasted so much time doing nothing.

I also feel as though no one cares any more. Oh it's just Jenny. She can never do anything so we'll just stop asking her. She's boring now so can't really be arsed. OK now I'm sounding butt hurt. But I did warn you this would be word vomit. I don't even know if that is even true but I can't help but overthink things.

I just don't know.

I've just become incredibly anxious and awkward.

32 Months TSW

Hi everyone,

How the time flies! It has been roughly 3 years since I set up this blog in order to spread awareness of severe eczema, then learning of steroid induced eczema or 'Red Skin Syndrome' and in this time I have had a staggering 330,000 blog views. Your kind emails and comments also mean the world to me as I am humbled to learn that my blog has achieved it's aim of spreading awareness and showing people that they are not alone in this. I am truly grateful for the opportunities that have been opened up to me and for those of you who share your own experiences with me to show that I am not alone.

Thank you.

In other news sorry I have been AWOL recently. I work full time now and find it hard to find the time and energy to write on here. But I am still here! Although something scary happened on Christmas day morning. My Google account was 'hacked'. 2 weeks of trying to get hold of Google later, to discover that Google had just decided to change my email address, thus locking me out of my whole account. Cheers Google! Never mind... It's all resolved now!

I bet you're all dying to know how my skin is? Well it still isn't exactly great. My face, neck and arms have recently flared and I think the trigger is stress related. I mentioned that I'm now working full time - it's still within the same company but it's in a different department and I'm learning a hell of a lot. There's only 2 of us in the department and my colleague had a week off after Christmas which was probably the worst time for her to disappear. Needless to say I struggled immensely, and hence the result is that my skin is a bit of a mess. But that was weeks ago now, I hear you cry. Yes it was weeks ago but now that I no longer have the adequate time to heal (read; laze around and do nothing), it's going to take a little bit of time. It is however slightly better today than it was though.

Rashy, dry and wrinkly!

Yes my brows need sorting. But I have some!! & I'm also noticing more baby hairs on my head :)

Splits on my eye lid creases

I am now officially vegan. Shane and I have seen the light and don't want to consume any more dairy - I stopped eating meat months ago. We even enjoyed a vegan Christmas, at both of our parent's houses and it was glorious.

My next step is to try to incorporate more raw fruits and vegetables into my diet, but it is hard to think meal-wise what I can eat for lunch at work. I work from 7am so am hardly in the mood to make meals for work. I've been enjoying the night before's left overs or pitta breads and hummus with tomatoes and spinach but I want to try to get away from bread and consume more vegetables instead.

I've been snacking on fruits - kiwis, blueberries, bananas, oranges and apples but find they don't sustain me for long. I can't take huge portions of these things either because I don't have much time to eat them and we're forbidden to eat at our desks so that's a bummer. I would take salads but the prep thing is the only thing holding me back - I haven't actually tried it but I imagine it wouldn't taste so fresh making it the night before? I don't know.

Breakfast is usually a variation of overnight oats or smoothies so I'm definitely getting my quota of fruits in there. I just need more during the day. Also considering probiotics now. Something I've been thinking  I'd try for ages but I don't want to pay an arm and a leg for them. Does anyone have suggestions of good but cheap ones?

2 & A Half Years Steroid Free

As I hit a big mile stone yesterday I figured I'd better make some time to write a blog post on reaching 2 and a half years off topical steroid creams.

Right now I'm really busy with life. I finally have a full time job which I've been doing since the end of September, with two role changes during this time. I've been going to a lot of gigs and having more of a social life. I can't remember my last day of doing absolutely nothing, I always seem to be on the go right now.

I'm still taking Ciclosporin but no doubt I will be asked to come off it soon, but all of my blood tests come back fine each time so my body is in sync with it. I still haven't lost any weight yet but I trust that when my body normalises I will do. My diet is mostly clean but as always, there is room for improvement and I am switching ever more to a vegan diet.

I have also worn make up for long periods on a couple of occasions without any over-damaging effects. This makes me hopeful that my skin is finally toughening up. My eyelids were one of the worst targeted areas for applying steroid creams and it reached a point where liquid eyeliner would burn and eventually even mascara just applied to the eyelashes would cause an awful reaction. I doubt I'll ever be able to wear liquid liner again but I'm happy enough to get away with mascara. Also my eyebrows look fantastic now.

I've also noticed my intolerance to heat has diminished significantly. I've always had poor circulation in my hands and feet, and also have my lips turn blue, but recently I've noticed that this has switched and I'm much more intolerant of the cold. It got to a point where I was unable to wear layers underneath a coat or jacket because I would come out in hives, but now all I do is layer up because I'm freezing cold! I was a lot better over this summer period of tolerating the warm, but the true test will be going over to a hot country to see how I fare then.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still up and down with my skin but it hasn't prevented me from doing stuff recently and I can't remember when I last took a sick day from work because of it. Onwards and upwards!

Recent photo of me from a friends' wedding wearing mascara, eyeliner and eyebrow pencil.

I would dig out more photos but I can't be bothered to trawl through my phone so this will have to do you for now ;)

Hope everyone is doing well, and as ever I apologise for my online absence.